I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
threw up outside of the dorms in the parking lot in the pouring rain on the first day of class, i'd say summer is off to a good start.
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
