in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
