dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
