3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
I sang Seal's Kiss From a Rose to my quesadilla
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
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