I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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