I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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