and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but did you let me pee in the grass while barking? And also, how many of you have videos?
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
