my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
My god imagine how much cum is in that astroturf
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
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