the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
