hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
This may sound strange but do you have my pants?
You tried to trade them for some girls skirt... So she has them...
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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