it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
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