did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
Randomize
