Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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