i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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