Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I am one with the molecules
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
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