Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
And how about the fact that the first time i really truly looked at a guy's dick was in my car. MY CAR. GODDAMNIT!!!
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
Randomize
