rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
My dick looks like crazy bread
pics are now mandatory
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
