When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i just google imaged poop.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
Randomize
