were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
