So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
