I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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