Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
we probably should not get naked in my neighbor's garage again. just sayin
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
