i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
meet me or not, i'm out of control
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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