She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
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