I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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