Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
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