I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
Randomize
