I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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