just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
