A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.
I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Randomize
