i hate sounding clingy, but i just wanted to verify i wasn't an asshole in your mind
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
My Captain America poster fell down. Cap is disappointed in my life decisions.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Randomize
