Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
So my game is weak??
If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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