I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
