Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
pwbgyin
what?
penguin condom
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
