On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
There is not greater feeling than lying to your boss and leaving work to shit in the comfort of your own home
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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