Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
Randomize
