How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
I haven't gotten this high alone in a long time. I keep looking at the cat waiting for her to say something.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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