When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
