I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
