My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Fulfilled a bucket list goal last night. Borrowed a dollar from a stripper to buy smokes
God bless Atlanta.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
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