I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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