I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
glow-in-the-dark stars on his ceiling from '98 totally make blowing him more romantic.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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