He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
His dog was laying on the bed and he said we could have sex as long as we didn't disturb his dog. My life is pathetic
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
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