1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
