In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
If me saying "come f***k me now" is talking, then yes.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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