It was confusing and full of hummus
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
