My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
where are you?
Hypothermia
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Nothing but goodness could come from two friends getting naked. Think of all the good advice and other things we could give to each other.
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I was like ahh were on two different pages, I know there's rumors of me moving to boston but I can't and I'm not adding long distance to the relationship I have with my 31 year old recently divorced ex boss
Randomize
