i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
