Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
you never un-have a 4some
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
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