Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
Randomize
